Kids are not made to be still. Nor to be quiet. (Neither are adults) Their brains are developing at an insane rate. Every moment is effecting their neuroplasticity for the good or the bad. Our responses as parents will directly effect the type of adult they will become. The type of attachments the will or won’t form. In every moment they scan our faces for approval or disapproval and begin to adapt their behaviors to align with what they think the world wants from them.
They learn to calm down by being coregulated by a calm parent. They develop this ability by seeing and feeling adults doing it. Just like their ability to be compassionate and expressive, it is seen first then embodied. The way we express anger and engage in conflict will be the learning grounds for future problem solving.
Disruptions in the nervous system occur when something happens that is so overwhelming it kicks into survival responses. If we don’t have a trusted adult to support us in those times and help us coregulate the foundation for trauma is created. Science is showing us that it’s not what happens to us but the absence of care and support afterwards that increases the development of “trauma”. Studying CPTSD and developmental trauma has change every view point I have as a parent. Being present, accountable and humble goes a long way in their development.
Allowing kids to argue their opinion may be excruciating as an adult but it is a necessary strength they will need when they grow up. I work with a lot of adults who have no voice. Who have detached from their authenticity to adhere to the social norms and live in misery trying to break free. Their inner child is conflicted by who they need to be and who they want to be. Let’s be the generation that gives children their voice and uniqueness back. Let’s give them permission to take up a shit ton of space and have the audacity to stand out of the crowd with a shit ton of eccentricity. Let’s end the perpetual suppression of their sacred voices.