This blog discusses suicide and suicidal ideation, and some people might find it disturbing. If you or someone you know is suicidal, please, contact the suicide prevention hotline in your country. For the United States, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255), or message the Crisis Text Line at 741741. Both services provide free, confidential support 24/7. (https://cptsdfoundation.org/)
At 14 I began treatment for body dysmorphia, along with most anxiety and depressive diagnoses out there. While what I saw was most people living out their best days in high school, I was living a secret life; therapist, psychiatrist, heavy medication. I was tranquilized as a way to control my impulsive and unpredictable behaviors like explosive anger and unhinged emotional turmoil. At the core of each day I hated myself. Whatever life had exposed me to cultivated a deep brokenness. I had internalized every hardship.
Whatever my traumas had been as a child crystallized into a repulsion of my physical body; the home I had to live in. No amount of prescription drugs made me feel better; they only made me stop feeling anything. I was like a walking zombie and when I refused to take the prescriptions I was given I was dubbed “non compliant”, which then led to more diagnoses. Drugs have been the leading way to control trauma; the true epidemic of this globe. Trauma and chronic health issues like autoimmune disorder and cancer have a huge link in multiple studies; and obviously addiction of all sorts.
Isolation is a huge coping strategy for people who have experienced trauma. Alone, we don’t have to be worried about being triggered or triggering. Alone, we have more control over our environment and the stimuli around us. This is the bitch with trauma; it lives in our cells and nervous system, always keeping us on guard for the next attack. For most of us who have experienced traumatic events at the hands of others, we find relationships difficult. In a lot of ways, people become the devil. Some people have triggers like driving in a car after a wreck; then there are those of us whose trigger is people. People have been the wreck. Humans need touch and closeness to thrive. So for those of us coping with trauma by isolation we become a high risk for suicide. Isolation and lack of touch has a direct negative effect on the brain and biology of the body.
When trauma is established as a child we typically don’t even recall the specifics; we have dissociated to such a degree that our memories are lost. I do not recall most of my life before the age of 12. I prefer it this way. We DO NOT need to recall anything to begin to heal and learn healthy coping skills.You do not have to tell any dark secrets or relive them to begin to recover. That is the wisdom I have to share after 24 years of trying things out.
Often people look at my life and see this peaceful creature always meditating and doing yoga, picking flowers and shit without seeing the deeper reason why.. Truth is, the only normal I feel is when I am engaged in practices that keep me present and regulate my nervous system. I work from home because it is my safety and safe haven. I do what I do for a living for me first and foremost. I take the medicine I now prescribe to others; to breathe, to create moments of peace, to be in safe stable energy one moment at a time. Sensory overload is the staple of existence for trauma survivors so cultivating stillness is vital. Recovery does become a life path for some of us.
The level of guilt and shame most people with ptsd or c-ptsd feel because of the way “they are”, is debilitating. There is a deep helplessness that consumes the energy field. There is a pulsation of anger in the core at the great injustices that have been done and seen. I have found the worst thing we can be told as a survivor of tragedy is to feel better. These small acts of invalidation over time shut down our ability to express authentically the true state of our mental, emotional and spiritual health. We often NEVER feel better about our trauma because it WAS horrible. So the best treatment is mindfulness. Being fully aware of negative and positive experiences. Making time and space for those experiences to be fully felt and digested with support and positive feedback. Safe positive feedback is invaluable for those who are courageous enough to open Pandora's box. Most trauma survivors don't need fucking advice;they need emotional safety.
I hope these words help those of you out there fighting the good fight. May your fight be for peace this time around.
Below is a video specifically created with theta waves to help you center and find stillness when your nervous system is overwhelmed. Listen with headphones to get the most out of the binaural beats embedded in the meditation.